minnieMeCVN 'The William Jefferson Clinton'

Re(1): 'Loose Lips Name Ships', In From the Cold, Spook86

Spook86 discusses the naming of major command ships in the US Navy. He rightfully decries the politicized process behind naming capital ships. He also expresses a concern about the naming selection that awaits for the sister ships of the Ford CVNs.

He is, alas, too late. A new, and vastly improved capital ship class has already been designed and will wear the moniker of William Jefferson Clinton. She has, in fact, already been spotted at sea trials (August 2005, New Orleans). What follows is a brief synopsis for both of my readers:

Military History Buffs!!!

The U.S.S. William Jefferson Clinton did indeed sail prior to the U.S.S. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Crewed ably by Sean Penn, she sailed dramatically (and peacefully!!!) into the murky waters of New Orleans. However, the rapacious warmongers of Congress increased the military budget so she was redesigned as a three-man ship with provisions for four. This came in handy since an able captain, a legacy photographer, and a noted biographer must man all warships of the Clinton class.

This photo demonstrates the viability of this concept. While there was no space for transporting rescued Americans, America can indeed show concern and immediacy with this warship. Also, this fine vessel stored enough food and water for four stranded citizens for one day. With a flotilla of 7,500 such ships sailing daily we could have dealt with the situation in New Orleans much better and much faster. This proves that posing and posturing are forms of leadership that work. Planning, logistics, and coordinated action are unnecessary in the 21st Century as is proved by Sean Penn and the U.S.S. William Jefferson Clinton.

Note: Minor flaws in preparing the warship for active duty precluded even the appearance of saving children or the feeding of the stranded. However, Captain Penn has described his sortie as a success and President Bush's efforts as inadequate, too slow, and impeachably cheap. In addition, the Superdome was evacuated Friday, September 2 2005. The Convention Center was evacuated Saturday, September 3 2005. Regrettably, the U.S.S. William Jefferson Clinton sailed forth on Sunday, September 4, 2005. Our hope is that future sorties will save thousands!!!

Recruiting poster for the 'U.S.S. William Jefferson Clinton':

'An Army of One'. For all active duty (of any force - we are a bit desperate), we are seeking volunteers to man the U.S.S. William Jefferson Clinton. There are no minimum requirements. There is no minimum rank. There are no physical or mental challenges placed in your way - serving on this peaceship will lead to far greater self-esteem than serving anywhere else in this military. Actually, we don't care if you are actually in the military - as long as we can fit you to some type of uniform or another. By the way, the chain of command of all ships of the Clinton class ultimately lead to either William Jefferson Clinton or Hillary Rodham Clinton. This ensures civilian authority over part of the military and their use of deadly force.

The 'U.S.S. William Jefferson Clinton' is the first of the Clinton class of warship. It embodies all the necessities of being cheap (I mean inexpensive), inexpensive in manpower requirements, inexpensive in negative publicity if sunk, inexpensive in lethality since our goals are humanitarian, and inexpensive in scariness... The second ship, the 'U.S.S. Hillary Rodham Clinton' is currently under construction. Construction of the Rodham Clinton may actually be completed and sea trials finished before the problems with the Jefferson Clinton are worked out. Regardless, the Rodham Clinton will enhance the current Jefferson Clinton class by streamlining the medical insurance of the crew. The third ship, the 'U.S.S. Cohen', is being designed carefully by Mr. Cohen himself. There will be a TV on board to ensure that missions can always be recalled by a careful review of CNN broadcasts. This ship is over budget and way behind schedule. Mr. Cohen is staying up all night every night - right now he is concerned about the paint scheme. In the wings is the 'U.S.S. Albright' which will be the most forward of the peaceships Clinton. She will be the iron fist behind the felt glove. I sure hope the meanies in the world watch out when she sails free. Regretfully, construction of the 'U.S.S Sandy Berger' is now delayed. The schematics and drafting plans seem to have been misplaced.