Saturday, September 17, 2005

Hapless Toads Spotted In

Over the past week there have been sightings of the Hapless Toad in Washington D.C..

PETA, the Democratic Party, NARAL, and the media elite installed computer chips into the neck folds of a number of these Hapless Toads to study their migration patterns. Each chip contains a unique ID that can be used to identify the Toad and its original habitat. The following Hapless Toads were spotted in Washington D.C. between Tuesday September 12th and Thursday September 16th:

Patrick J. Leahy
Edward M. Kennedy
Joseph R. Biden Jr.
Herbert Kohl
Dianne Feinstein
Russell D. Feingold
Charles E. Schumer
Richard J. Durbin

Most of these Hapless Toads were tagged while rummaging for campaign contributions in Hollywood, California – their natural habitat. Richard J. Durbin and Charles E. Schumer were tagged during an Appellate Court case lawyered by a right wing fanatic named Hugh Hewitt. From media reports, it appears that these Toads can only be protected from extinction if they migrate across state lines – a silly ruling if ever there was one.

These eight (8) Toads have obviously migrated from their summer funding locales. They evidently migrate west to east in search of lush campaign contributions. Note: Apparently, the Hapless Toad cannot survive long in Middle America. They seem to only thrive on blueberries and other blue flowering plants.

The Supreme Court must now leap into action and save the Hapless Toad. They can, through an artful reading of the INTERSTATE COMMERCE CLAUSE of the U.S. Constitution, provide these Toads (and others) the protections of that self-same Constitution.

SAVE THESE TOADS. Their natural behavior of biting, sniping, carping, borking (1), and defecating wherever and whenever they please are not conducive to approval by the great unwashed masses in America. Extinction is a strong possibility – especially in light of slanted right wing media coverage of their natural behavior.

C-SPAN should lose its license after broadcasting these Toads in such a biased, unflattering manner. Editorial judgment must be used to change camera angles and to minimize the effect of these Toads communication patterns. The New York Times and Los Angeles Times serve as a model for the proper illustration of these Toads in their habitat. America may not be ready to accept them, but they come from the same protoplasm as we. It is in our best interests to ensure the protection of all small and insignificant species. We never know when they may prove beneficial to mankind – as a pill, suppository, or herbal tea.

The Supreme Court is there to protect minorities such as these. It is there to enforce today’s desires through the living document that is our United States Constitution. Tomorrows needs can be legislated later.

Today the Supreme Court must ACT NOW. Act locally, think globally.

(1) Borking: A rather unfortunate confluence of belching and flatulence that is best exemplified by the following quote by the Hapless Toad Edward M. Kennedy:

"Robert Bork's America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley
abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could
break down citizens' doors in midnight raids, children could not be taught about

Borking can be public, as in the above quote, or private, as in the leak of private video rental records (most likely from the same or similar source).

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